Oystertini

Start with fresh oysters. No pearls either, unless you're slipping them in there as a present for your sweetie, who you might want to warn about the pearls unless you are very proficient with the drunken Heimlich. Then there's vodka, vermouth, olives, cocktail sauce... This is a seafood lover's Martini. An oyster lover's Martini.

What's not to like?

We are huge oyster fans. Huge fans of raw oysters, that is. The way they should be served, too, on the shell, on a bed of ice, with lemon and some homemade cocktail sauce ... excuse us while we drool.

None of that pre-shucked plastic container full of oyster nonsense.

The Oystertini was developed following a week-long oysterfest known as Oysterpalooza, during which many, many, many, many oysters were shucked (we'll spare you the various shucking accidents and scars incurred as a result of drinking and shucking, but OWWWWWW that hurt).

Oysters were so much a part of every day life during Oysterpalooza that we decided they should be a part of the drinking regimen as well. We started by experimenting with oyster shooters, to get a little taste of what would become an all-time favorite.

The Oystertini.
















Note: All oysters are NOT created equally. Some oysters are smallish, some are average sized, and some, well... some make bananas look like they should be ashamed of themselves and are named Oysterzilla, attacking and demolishing many Coastal Japanese villages during their day.

These are the oysters ye seek for the perfect oystertini, but any raw oyster will do.
















So how do you go from oyster shot to Oystertini?

Very easily, in fact. The shot was so good it left us craving more. More oysters, more booze, more ... refinement.

Veritas!

But how do you keep the fresh, subtle, slightly salty oyster taste alive while mixing it with hard alcohol?

You dress it up.

This recipe calls for a little more dedication, a little more attention, a little more finesse than just throwing together a shooter. It deserves to become a Martini. But don't worry - it's relatively easy to pull off, so long as you're in an 'R' month.

Here's what you need:

• Fresh oysters and their juice (we used 2 per drink, but that's really up to you)
• 2 ounces vodka
• 4 ounces vermouth
• Lemon juice (to taste, but we used about half a lemon's worth)
• A tablespoon or so of homemade cocktail sauce*
• Olives (optional)
• 3-4 crushed ice cubes

Dump the ice in the shaker. Add the vodka, the vermouth, oyster juice and the lemon juice.

Eat a raw oyster.

Dude, life is so much better with incentive. Now put the empty shell down. Shake that baby with all you've got, and then shake it some more. Pour the drink into Martini glasses that you just pulled from the freezer, all foggy and crystallized. Lovingly add your oysters and a dollop of cocktail sauce. Olives if you like.

Mmmmmmm....

*To make the cocktail sauce, you will need:

• About a tablespoon of horseradish
• 3-4 tablespoons of ketchup
• A squirt of lemon juice
• A few drops of Worcestershire sauce
• A dash of old bay
• 2 drops Tabasco

Mix all ingredients and adjust proportions according to taste.

Pros of the Oystertini:

• Oysters, I mean, c'mon, we're talking raw OYSTERS here
• Clean, fresh martini with a sea salt taste
• Alcohol imbibed, lemon tasting fresh oysters
• Like drinking oysters on the shell

Cons of the Oystertini:

• The more you drink, the more you want, and you have to be careful with the shucking after a while. Don used to play guitar. Now we listen to a lot of CD's.

Tini Stars:

Chris: 10/10

Don: 11/10

Bacontini...the One that Started it All

Chris is a bacon freak. And a martini freak. And let's not forget a garlic stuffed olive and vermouth freak. And, as Don is a Chris freak, he'll do pretty much anything he can to make his Chris happy. So he decided to find a way to combine all of these things to create the perfect drink for Chris. And so the bacontini was born. Oh sure, there are other recipes for so called "bacontinis" on the Interwebs. You'll even find pictures of so-called 'bacontinis' on other sites.

And the U.S. sent dudes to the moon in 1969 and didn't fake it in a studio even though the sun cast no shadows from their lunar lander on the moon's surface (look at the video? Duh!) and the smartest computer in existence at the time couldn't even play Pong and was the size of a house and phones still required Irma the nosy operator to plug wires into a switchboard...

C'mon...Really???

Blech...

We want the ULTIMATE Bacontini.

This Bacontini...this Bacontini recipe is the ultimate bacon lovin', vodka freakin', olive soaked BACONTINI recipe, the Bacontini recipe of ALL Bacontini recipes that you will ever find, ANYWHERE.

It was a labor of love, to make this ultimate Bacontini, and it goes like this:

• 2 ounces pre-marinated bacon-olive vodka *
• 4 ounces vermouth**
• 2 (or 3 or 10) slices cooked bacon, from the bacon-olive-vodka mix
• 3 (or 5 or 6) garlic stuffed olives
• 1 chilled martini glass
• 3 or 4 crushed ice cubes

Grab a shaker and dump the crushed ice in there. Go ahead, don't be scared. Whimps don't deserve Bacontini's. Add the vodka and the vermouth and shake (never stirred... meh! Frankly if you have to be told NOT to stir your martini, you don't deserve to drink this!) shake, shake, shake, shake... smoke if ya' got 'em, shake, shake, shake some more. Pour this heavenly elixir of the swine fatty gods into the chilled glass and add the olives and the 3 or 10 pieces of bacon as a garnish.

Taste.

Shiver.

Moan quietly as others might not understand your bliss and might mistake it for weakness. And since your knees are wobbly and the lights are now dim and your blood pressure just rose faster than a rocket, they might be right.

...Buh-bye universe, hello heaven.

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* To make pre-marinated bacon-olive vodka, you need to think ahead. Means you really, really love someone, or you really love your bacontini, or both. Pour the vodka in a jar with about 4 tablespoons of olive juice. Garlic stuffed olive juice is the best, but any olive juice will do in a pinch. Add 3 or 10 pieces of cooked bacon and throw it in the freezer for 2-3 weeks, or longer if you're that patient. The grease will form on top of the vodka leaving a yellow crust which you must carefully scrape off before serving. Those who like martini's that block the artery and require a quadruple bypass after drinking it can simply chew the bacon fat. Make sure one of those heart resuscitation paddle machines that go PING are nearby and charged though. An EMT NOT drinking Bacontini's wouldn't hurt either. The rest of us can simply use the bacon flavored vodka and skip the heart attack.

**Drinks are all about taste. We like dirty so we add olive juice. Our vermouth to vodka ratio is high. For drier Bacontinis, reverse vodka/vermouth proportions. To adjust dirtiness, adjust the amount of olive juice. NEVER use less than 3 strips of bacon. The bacon god will find you. You will pay.
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Pros of the Ultimate Bacontini:

• Uhm, bacon.
• Hmmm... More bacon.
• Crisp taste with a hint of smoked flavored bacon and a to die for olive flavored after taste.
• Oh yeah, then there's bacon.

Cons:

• You need to like bacon. You really do.

And if you're really in love - I mean head over heels, you live 500 or so miles apart but you're still in love anyway - walk into a random bar or restaurant and ask the bartender to make a Bacontini. Hand him or her your printed recipe, and leave a good tip. It's the only way you get one, trust us.

Everyone at the bar will look at him or her as they make the drink and go oooh and aaaah when it gets to your table. These are amateurs afraid to seek the ultimate martini. But you are guaranteed to get extra 'tini points from your loved one, and it'll be on the bar list as a special the very next night. Trust us. Just ask the Cicero crab shack. Yes, it's that good.

Tini stars:

Chris: 10/10

Don: 10/10